[from LIFE begins @ 8:15 (1986 c.e.)]
[NOTE: Satirical Writing, Parody, or whatever else it might be called. Not to be taken seriously, or followed through. Author assumes no responsibility for any actions that take place, inspired by this writing, nor does the Author condone any of the activities written about in this piece. It is for entertainment purposes only.]
AS Americans, we live in a free country. That is, a country that allows freedom of expression, freedom to worship however we please, and the idea of free enterprise in relation to the way we go about making money. A country that recognizes the importance of free choice of the individual. (1) At least, that was the way it was set up way back when...
Here is a plan that would combine all the facets of freedom, and it would be of benefit to all concerned. TO COMBINE FREE RELIGION, FREE ENTERPRISE, AND FREE EXPRESSION, as well as a freedom from taxation::::these are the goals.
The plan would need a staff::::a legally ordained minister, a small studio with props, a video production unit, a recording and duplication capacity, a writing staff, and actors. (2)
The writing staff would write sermons that would appeal to mass audiences, and these "sermons" would have underlying ideas and themes that would express the views and morals of the person(s) in control of the operation... be it political religious moral reform government reform (3) etc etc etc...they would be written in such a way that would be pleasant in nature but the real message would sink in after a while.
The "legally-ordained" minister would appear in front of the camera and relay these "sermons" to the video audience. The stage would be a pleasant middle class American style church TV style stage. (4) A stained glass prop window in back, light colors and tones for the walls and carpeting...an organist and 3 backup singers, and a living room prop set for the offering appeals. (5) The world relief set would resemble a TV news desk, a blonde female in business dress, reporting with a TV display the desolation and poverty around the world. Canned footage...An announcer in a soft voice would announce the beginning of the program....
"And Minister Blaine is with you today, folks, [NOTE: the term folks is much better than using Ladies and Gentlemen (6) because it is less entertainment oriented and it is more homey, genteel] and his sermon for you today is "The Duty of All God's Children." (7)
And so the "legally ordained" minister is revealed. He is already on the stage, the lights are down so all that can be seen is a man behind the pulpit with his head down as if in prayer. This is during the announcer's part. The lights go up. The "legally-ordained" minister then raises his head. He is in tears. He gives the sermon about the duties of God's children: (8) responsibility to tithing, the necessity for Minister Blaine to preach to the people, the costs of operating, the acquisition of a satellite so God's word can be spread around the world to those less fortunate than us... (9) All of this is in an honest, genteel way. No hellfire here... This is pure soft-sell, folks. Minister Blaine is kind and gentle. This approach is more effective than the hell-fire approach which would be more intimidating to Grandma Jones in Kansas. Then, after the first part of the sermon, a reference to the destitute people in some third world country, [chosen after the manner of Orson Welles' The War of the Worlds: Grover's Mill New Jersey was chosen by one of the crew members randomly picking a site on a map, at least according to the film The Night that Panicked America...]... who need clothes and bibles and food::::even though the clothes and bibles and food won't even get past the warehouse at the Los Angeles port. The planners of the broadcast know this, the average "charity-minded" folks back home in Ashland Nebraska don't. This is what Minister Blaine knows also.
"And now, I will introduce you to a charming young lady. Miss Felicity Jones. She is at the World Mission Desk, and she has some things to tell you that might be real shocking, but the work of the Lord has to be done and in order for it to be done, the flock has to be shown the destitution and hunger and death that the Devil is allowing to go on in the world."
CUT TO: Felicity Jones. Yuppy suit outfit. (10) She shows pictures::::canned stock footage of naked malnourished children, dying poor people, etc. The whole thing is pulled off as kind and honest and genteel as possible. She does not tell the audience that they HAVE TO SEND IN THEIR DONATIONS FOR THE LORD. She just relays her report.
A few weeks down the line she reads a letter (to the audience) drafted by the writing staff, from a Mr. and Mrs. Albert Smith from Peoria or wherever and they are saying how this show has really opened up their eyes. (11) They consulted their lawyers and a new will has been drafted, but at the present is enclosed a check for $25,000... a certified cashier's check... because Mr. Smith is a prominent insurance executive, he is able to afford this. Since there might be other people named Albert Smith, who may or may not be prominent insurance executives, who may or may not reside in Peoria, etc., several letters are drafted with different names attached and read in programs sent to different viewer areas::::Emma Waverly of Fort Worth Texas would be on the air in Peoria, and Marsha Hansen would be on the air in Portland Oregon, and Daniel Wallace of Portland would be in Marsha's hometown of Louisville Kentucky...sophisticated but necessary. (12)
Anyway, Mr. Smith or whoever wherever and how much and so on is donating this check because he/she is pleased to see such honest folks interested in the well-being of the world....charity and love and all that...
Mrs. Jones is so happy to share this with her audience, she bursts into tears. No call for donations.
CUT TO: Minister Blaine, just wiping the tears from his slick red face. He is in the living room set now.
"You know, it's people like Felicity that really matter in this life. Such caring, honest folks."
[Applause from canned audience soundtrack.]
[Minister Blaine takes a swallow of milk.]
"It would be a real shame to see her leave us. Our broadcasting costs are so high. But I'm not asking for donations. That is between you and the Lord. (13) We all have our situations in life, and it is to my belief that Felicity is right where she belongs....etc..."
[More canned audience sounds.]
CUT TO: Announcer. On the screen is a picture of a book. A devotional tract produced by the writing staff. (14) "How To Stay On The Path Of Life" or something like that.
"Now you can have the special opportunity to receive Minister Blaine's new devotional book, "How To Stay On The Path Of Life." It is an honest look into what we are, what the Lord intended us to be, and how we can fulfill our duties to Him."
The book is filled with subtle references to stewardship, charity, kindness, and giving, but all in a tasteful manner that would bring the "reader" to the conclusion (on his/her own time, that is) that in order to gain that salvation he/she seeks, it is not by being perfect in the eyes of everybody that will get him/her there. It is through acts of kindness, giving, charity, and most of all, giving to the Lord (15) that will help him/her stay on the path of life...keep a foothold...
"Now this book is free to all who would send us letters..." (16)
Free? Not on your life. Because of Minister Blaine's pitch to save poor Felicity in the first half of the program, Grandma Jones has already forgotten that Minister Blaine said he didn't want any money. Grandma Jones wants to sign over her social security check to the ministry. (17) She wants to stay on the path of life. Elderly women (18) are typically worried (19) about making it to the Pearly Gates and are so willing to dole out their money to evangelists. It is a sick reality. Grandma Jones sends fifty dollars and as a result gets the book and periodic letters (20) from "Minister Blaine" as written by the "writing staff." They always work...sometimes clippings of worn out video tape work... (21)
Minister Blaine concludes the sermon and the addresses are again flashed and the pitch for the "free book", etc., etc., etc....
THE TECHNICAL SIDE of the plan is simple enough. A video tape is produced in a studio. The tapes are duplicated. The tapes will be distributed to television stations all across the country. (22) They will pay licensing fees and they will be compensated because of the large amount of viewers that will be attracted to the slot time, etc. (23) ...and there will be a lot of room for advertising space, and the television station will get the advertising money... (24)
The licensing fees come in from the TV stations, the production budget is kept down to a bare minimum but big enough to facilitate the staging of the broadcasts and assure the production team that it will get its job done.
The productions could be produced...say....five episodes in a week's time, maybe a month or two of writing (and strategic planning) and preparations. Since there is only one show per week, the licensing fees will come in by the third week, and definitely by the fifth week. By the fifth week there will be fifteen to twenty more episodes completed. (25)
An entire season is made, the tapes are distributed.
The production crew clear out and go to the Bahamas on vacation ... (26) All staff clear out.
"Minister Blaine" and "Felicity Jones" have their "Ministry" headquarters located in a rather low-rent facility in South Central Los Angeles, or something like it. Inside the office are pamphlets, books, boxes of clothes, bibles and canned goods that appear ready to be shipped out.
The company accountant is also there with an "honest" set of books so when the auditors come by everything looks legit. (27)
Now, if it happens that someone from another part of the country is on vacation in South Central Los Angeles, (28) and happens to see the headquarters and pay a visit, Minister Blaine's secretary has the person sign the guestbook.
"Here, take a look at this book. It's about our Mission of Charity program." Intriguing pictures... gets the visitor in tears and distracts his/her attention long enough for the secretary to go and alert Minister Blaine (if he happens to be in the office, that is) that a visitor is out in the lobby.
Load the visitor up with a free, or hand out some worthless trinkets for the kids, (or grandkids), like a glow in the dark cross, with the pledge-line phone number silk-screened on it, or something else. These can be had at church supply stores in large volume, and can be personalized, like sales and marketing promos, pens, and so forth.
Since this is a bona fide non-profit organization (a church), it is exempt from taxes. This will then amount to riches for all concerned. Acts of God could be pulled on all who look into the matters too deeply...bad accidents...
As to the matter of justifying the delivery of clothing and other items to the destitute people referenced on the video program, this could be staged too. If it is within the budget to go to the place being spoken of, with a camcorder, film some footage, and piece in the delivery of the supplies, which can be filmed in somebody's back yard, or at the shipping bay of an industrial building. If it is not within the budget to go to the target area, then view film footage of the target area and find a place that is close enough, climatically, in appearance, as to the buildings, and people.
We might want to add some legitimacy to this thing, and so we find a politician who is up for re-election.
"You know, Senator, I bet you could use some campaign support. After all, that last bill you tried to get passed wasn't too popular for a man of your reputation and high standing. Your support for the Contras..." (29) etc., etc., etc... "You're gonna need a big advertising budget, and a voter base. After all, your rival looks like he could really take the vote. Think it over."
Three days later the Senator is presented with a briefcase filled with 12 Million dollars in cash. Naturally, the Senator will come to Africa with Minister Blaine and Ms. Jones, and witness the delivery of bibles and clothing and food, and he shakes hands with the dock workers. Smiles at the camera.
The only slip-up is that not everybody in the country is in favor of the Senator. The TV audience is, or at least most of them. The others might try a mud-sling campaign against the Senator, why even your crew could do that for extra yuks too.
The Minister could get together a TV campaign to restore the Senator's name. This has been done by Jerry Falwell, with the assistance of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, in the case of Oliver North. Poor boy, treated so nasty for being patriotic. The radicals don't watch Televangelism. Why, they don't watch TV at all... (Generalising of course)
So, if this is pulled off, and it succeeds, then everything will look A. O. K. Next in line is the Senator's campaign. If he gets re-elected, the Minister has a friend on Capitol Hill. If the kindness and charity that the Senator showed on the taped delivery of goods works on the viewers and the news gets around, then maybe the Senator will appear as a real charitable Senator and Minister Blaine will get popular and everybody concerned will prosper. And if the Senator has good friends in the FBI, CIA, IRS, the more the better. Keep pumping the Senator with the greenbacks (public relations, after all), because have to show no profit, right?
The feds will never come to your door.
This is only a proposal. It might work. It needs professionals. People who
could pull it off...
Harold Clarke,
Riverside California,
23 November 1986 c.e.
1. Theoretically at least.
2. This was written in November of 1986, before the wonders in self-production that we have today were realized. Today, it would still take the actors, studio, camera, and props, but all or most of it can be done with a computer, an isp, a web server, and, too, perhaps, a broadcasting capability.
3. We might add... 16.7 million flavours of political correctness, and of course the all important, but completely impracticable and utterly bigoted attitude of non-judgementalism, which is a complete sham. At least to people who can think for themselves. To automatons and robots, well... But even robots have their bad hair days.
4. Or, perhaps, gaudy as hell, like Trinity Broadcasting Network, or maybe like a talk show, as we get on Pat Robertson's shows.
5. We actually found a program that directly resembled this, on KAGL Channel 30 in San Bernardino, California, back in 1990 to 1991 c.e., Glen Chambers' World Ministry... He was as down home as down home could be, your support would be kindly appreciated, we're gonna talk about what the Bible says about Love, today. 15 minutes in it would be the canned music with the guest singer, a book offer, etc. Three or four camera angles, at most. Close up, medium shot, left and right close ups. The furniture looked like it came from the parking lot sale, and the wall decorations as well.
6. However, the esteemed O. Lee Jaggers of the Universal World Church, near the intersection of Beverly and Alvarado in the beating heart, the very centre of the city of Los Angeles... and the Lovely Miss Velma, at the Golden Altar of Incense Prayer, uses the term Ladies and Gentlemen, but he pulls it off, because he has an Ozark drawl, and it rolls right on out, like a new shiny black Caddy rolls right on out of the showroom on Wilshire Boulevard...
7. No use banging them over the head with one of Gene Scott's highly involved intellectual affairs, they are for the Learned. They don't want to hear "It's time to quit talking and start doing" they want to hear how prosperous they are going to be. After all, why are phone psychics so gosh darned popular? Because they tell people what they want to hear. You're going to get laid, get a promotion, your cheating partner is going to get caught, someone tall dark and handsome is right around the corner for you, dearie. Those pounds will melt right off...All with the disclaimer, "For Entertainment Purposes Only!" One of the terms that can be employed freely is "Faith" - which is like saying "Good Luck!" Like so many snake handlers in the Eastern U. S., "have Faith!"
8. Of course at the mention of the word "children" we might interject: "Children" is a highly profitable word, especially in the political arena. Doing it for the children, like Bill and Monica basting cigars for the Children in the White House latrine. Bombing Milosevic for the sake of the children, etc. You get the picture.
9. Of course, high speed dsl, isdn, full webhosting, live video feeds via the internet, shortwave radio(early 1990s c.e.), etc., today. And, the costs associated with promoting syndication packages.
10. This was written in 1986, but it is likely that this wouldn't be changed much, since the Yuppy types in the 80s got jaded and became born agains in the 90s, and began popping Prosac as well.
11. And their pocketbooks...
12. Maybe not sophisticated, but definitely necessary. It is necessary to keep the story consistent, when dealing with different parties, as we found out working the telemarketing racket. Perhaps a good database program would do the job, and integrated with a word processing program, that would generate different letters and scripts for pre-selected areas, and perhaps with a large white pages directory attached to the system for name searching.
13. Previous versions of this piece used the word "God" here, but from later experiences, people tend to prefer the phrase "the Lord"...
14. Or taken from literally thousands of public domain pieces, readily available. It might be worth mentioning that there are programs like Sermon Assistant 2.0, available to preachers, to help them create sermons.
15. Until it hurts and then some!
16. Or call-ins with the 900 number ($2.99 a minute), or people who visit the website and either fill out the intrusive contact form, or send in an email.
17. And perhaps anything else she holds, like 401ks, pensions, widow's benefits, insurance policies, trust deeds, real estate, any other holdings, perhaps even stocks and bonds.
18. Regardless of age or gender, that is.
19. As per advertising profiling and gross generalization, as we have a tendency to do, but then, we are in great company...
20. As reminders, complete with postage paid return envelopes. But, if old stamps are used, it might appear that this is an operation that is badly in need of funding. Better yet, "Place Stamp Here", or "Thank You for Applying the Postage yourself," etc.
21. As Rex Humbard did back in 1980, complete with a brochure printed by 3M, indicating how expensive professional grade videotape was (this was in the days when most video production was on the old reel-to-reel vcrs. It was 2-inch tape.) (And it was a successful scam, too.) ...
22. Of course, if one can get on a religious cable television network, the more the merrier. And of course, these days, don't forget to target the numerous fundie religious commmunities on the web.
23. It is better to hit the smaller local television channels that still exist. One must do one's demographic research first, and perhaps some market research, like political candidates hit the voters with fake phone bank calls, with telemarketers pretending to be volunteers.
24. This might not be the case. Most religious programs get the entire 30 minute slot. This was written in the late 1980s, just before the big scandals broke in spring of 1987. Also, it was written long before InfoMercials became the mainstay of late night programming. If one wants to make some money, create an infomercial. There is a large audience of people with nothing better to do than watch these useless programs.
25. One way to keep the ratings up, or to increase interest in the program is to create a scandal, like the old motel room scene that Brother Swaggart engineered. It temporarily disgraced him, but he is as big as ever today. He used the sympathy to build his base of marks.
26. Perhaps the Cayman Islands, at least for the financial department.
27. Perhaps it would be wise to have an "official" accountant, like the dupes that act out the parts; and a real accountant, who has flown to the Cayman Islands with the money, to deposit in an anonymous bank account. If it is a large enough amount it could be invested in a Hedge Fund.
28. Written, long before the L. A. Riots of 1992. Talk about staged events! It is wise not to give out the physical address too freely. It is there, for people to see, but visiting the headquarters might slow down the Lord's work.
29. Again, written in 1986. Today, it would undoubtedly be something else, like the war on Serbia, or something like it.